Carrying the Milestones...

It's the eve of a milestone that's become far too familiar to me. The passing of a loved one.

As I think back, I was 20 on that first anniversary after losing my Dad, 39, after losing my Mom, and now 46, one year since losing my oldest brother Harry. I've experienced a lot of loss in my life, as many of us do, parents, grandparents, a niece, a brother, and even more recently my uncle. Though never easy, I've always endeavored to continue moving forward, remembering the good, as well as the not so good, and although it may sound trite, the passage of time does lessen the ache. What makes this more difficult, is that the months of December and January are when I lost three of the most important people in my life. It certainly has made celebrating the holidays... different. 

In most cases, I'm a sort of modern "Pollyanna" (look it up if you don't know what that is), and that has helped push through any melancholy that rears it head each year. This year is no different, despite it being a tough year all around. I have two wonderful great-nieces, Brielle and Sofia, and an adorable great-nephew, Lucas who make me smile just typing their names. Wonderful friends and family, both of the two and four-legged variety that fill my life with love and laughter. 

So with this milestone, I wanted to share how I remembered my big brother a year ago:

For those of you I haven’t met, I’m Harry’s youngest sister Leah. When I was born, he and Jeanie were juniors in high school. Between the age gap, different last names and distance, ours was never a traditional brother – sister relationship, but when he convinced me to move to San Diego 10 years ago, we were given an opportunity to build one. I have learned that in order to be good, some things have to take time. In fact, the best things need to be fostered and fermented. That’s true of both good wine and good relationships which were important to Harry.

You were a good brother, but a better person. You made other people better, even if you weren’t aware of it. Harry was always a unique individual. Unfortunately, there were numerous times that his uniqueness wasn’t fully appreciated, even by those closest to him. Harry was strong willed, stubborn, and hard headed. He would tell you what you should do, even if you didn’t ask, and kick your ass when you needed it. Under that sometimes gruff and even grumpy exterior was an imperfect heart of gold. Harry was generous to a fault, and if you were in need he’d find a way to help, to make sure you got what you needed. If he couldn’t do it himself he usually knew who could, or he knew somebody who knew somebody that could. You could always count on Harry to not leave you empty-handed. One thing we shared was a sense of humor; it could be dry and sarcastic, teasing or even silly. The silly was something I only discovered more recently, but he and I developed this ritual where if either of us were on a business or vacation trip we’d hunt for the most ridiculous tchotchke to give to the other. Crazy bottle openers, stone pets, shell sculptures, key chains, magnets, golf balls, and sombreros, the tackier the better. We’d both get so excited to have the other open whatever this “treasure” was, and I’m sure Jeanie thought we were crazy.

What saddens me most as I stand here is that Jeanie, Brian, Kate, Ali (and even myself) won’t have you here physically guiding, encouraging, and influencing us every day, however as many of your friends have said, it’s more than likely you will be pushing and pulling us all along from above.
So big brother, I’m proud of all that you accomplished.
I’m proud of you for being you, even if you could be difficult.
I’m proud to be your sister.
I’m going to miss you and your smirk terribly.
We all are.
Rest in peace Harry.
I love you.

It's a year later big brother and I still miss your smirk, and even your teasing.

Me, Harry & Ronni